Sleepless in Columbus

Do you remember this cartoon?



I can't sleep. Try as I may, I spend most of the night tossing and turning and feeling much like the Goofy insomniac owl (minus the headboard to perch upon). We've been in this apartment for almost a month now, so it's not as if I'm suffering from disorientation or can't-sleep-in-a-new-place anxiety. It's not the dark--or the light, for that matter--we've adjusted both. It's not a temperature problem or even the noise of our "haunted" toilet (the guest bathroom commode that whistled, wheezed, dripped and trickled until my hero, the maintenance guy, replaced the flapper thingy). I've tried reading, meditating, deep breathing and counting every animal known to man, and even some imaginary. I've even taken to doing ports de bras (that's ballet, not underwear) as I lay there to break up the monotonous stream of consciousness that has become more like Niagara Falls.

Any suggestions? Any at all? Because I'm really just a few nights away from purchasing a large mallet...